When I say I haven’t thought about my siress in years – it’s really not a figure of speech. Ironically, of all the people I know here it was Jason who made me think of her again. By something he said about his siress. He said that her and him… They were all about honor. Trust. Love. The things they once believed in.

I for one had no such believe when I was alive. Quite the contrary. I opposed my father whenever I could, though others might say I should have been loyal to him, seeing as he was family. When I found someone I liked I did give it a shot. But without putting any real effort into it. Not the kind that would have made things last. Once the chance was taken from me I made myself her new and perfect drug. Just because I wasn’t ready to let go.

It’s been decades. I still can’t let go.

Either way. We had this long talk on how things can gnaw away at your virtue. Anything you once held dear. Something that makes me feel scared. For the very first time, truly scared.

Jason did his best to give good advice. Says that he trusts me. And I’m a fool to believe that he does. Willingly though. A fool, more so because I choose to be one in this. In a very twisted way I’m doing this for Greg, for Dee. So that eventually I won’t end up hurting them. At least not any more. I can’t remember a single day of my life without Greg. And not one night in my life after I’d been introduced to her without Dee. Still I can’t imagine them gone. Which also means that I’m dragging them down with me eventually. They won’t even have the choice to hate me for it. And I can’t get myself to feel sorry about any of this.

I have to find a focus is what Jason says. Think I’ve got one.

As for trying not to be what I hate most? Yeah… Sorry, dad. Still can’t do this.