The monsters are out there. That is what we are taught by our respective sires night by night throughout what is later considered to be our childhood, even though we were all grown men and women by then.

The truth, however, is that the monsters are inside us. And while I may know that I should be groveling at your feet, begging forgiveness, weeping bitter tears I know that in my heart I feel none of this. I should feel sorry for making someone I love, no matter to which extend, kill another person. Especially if this person is absolutely innocent. Again, I feel none of the regrets I should be feeling right now. And it’s easy to figure out what that makes me. Even for that I cannot make myself feel sorry over. While at the same time part of me wishes I could just break down and cry, make it all better through real tears that would give living testimony of a soul I still might have left to loose. What small comfort is it then to know that at least I do not pretend.

Getting ahead of myself again.

All hail the queen, Alena is back. As much as I may have missed her she’s not the woman I would have wanted back right now. Ok, that’s too harsh. I’m glad she’s back. But, given the choice, I would have preferred to have the prince back just now. Of course she worked up quite the anger to learn about that masquerade breach. And of course she found it in herself to cause a scene over this. Which is all swell, if generally annoying. Really, I’ve heard all the excuse there are. All the good reasons. The fact remains that people screwed up. And while those three should take responsibility I’m not even close to saying that the rest is without sin in this case. Otherwise the prince wouldn’t be gone, would she. So think about this, people. And being angry for not having been informed? What the fuck! Am I supposed to go against a direct order from the prince now? Just because you’ve got the smile? Hardly, love. Not going to happen. Anyway… I hope she gets over this soon and isn’t too angry. That, or Jason can keep her in check. Both works just fine for me.

It was good not to have had Coraline present last night. Probably her sire again. I should probably give the guy a call and humbly request that he keep her there. Wherever “there” may be. As long as it’s not here.

I’ve been informed about the destruction of Miss von Wartenburg. I’ll have to give her that at least from what I’ve heard of her will she died with grace. And that’s more than most of us will be able to say for themselves one day. She’s probably watching right now, amusing herself over how we squirm. Might be. Can’t really hold it against her. I still think she could have turned out grand. But not in that time frame. Not her. So getting rid of her was the only remaining option. Ah – I got mentioned in said will. She bequeathed a book to me. A book! People! I can’t read print! Yes, I could have someone read it out loud to me. But that would require a voice. Voice means intonation. Intonation means interpretation. And I don’t want that. Clouds the whole experience. Guess I’ll have Dee type the thing up or see if there’s a kindle version or something.

Naturally Thomas’ heart is bleeding over her loss. He risked everything for that woman. And looses it now. He probably even realizes that. Only that he doesn’t realize that, by doing so, he betrayed the promise he gave to the prince. Our first and foremost interest and obligation is this domain. Not saving every single soul within it. There will be collateral damage. That can’t be avoided. However, there is something good in his fall: While we are trying to keep things together here his weak position is a good distraction for the domain from the other two senators. They’re so busy holding every of his moves against him that they barely notice what else is happening around them. I’m certainly not about to complain over this.

Simon was very edgy last night. I wonder whether he notices Rottenmeier is considering to take him down. I said everything I could. And now I’m left to wonder whether I should warn him or not. Might be best to just sit by and watch them fight this one out. Does mean I break my promise though. Pretty sure I can come up with a good excuse for this though. He will feel betrayed nonetheless. Boohoo.

What can be said is that Raphael and Jason have the hang of it now. They listen first, then ask questions. And if the matter isn’t worth the effort – just take things the way they are. No reason to get all worked up over nothing. I’m glad both of them are in the same boat about this. I should hope they never get into real trouble with each other. That would be very, very annoying. VERY. Annoying. At least Raphael could tell me that, for now, our prince is well. Though that doesn’t tell you much. Any day might mean a letter that informs us that, oops, we just lost our prince.

And then there is, shall I say, the main event of last night. A couple of nights back Dee and I went into this really run down club downtown. There we met this guy Dee REALLY liked way more than was good for any of us. Somehow she talked me into letting have a drink of my blood, which was just about the stupidest thing I did ever since that chemistry kit went up into flames. So I give him my blood, introduce him to society for lack of Greg availability – and the man basically drives me insane with his innocent lack of intellect. God, that man drove me nuts last night! I’m surprised I didn’t have to explain to him how to breathe.

Anyway. While Jean and I were discussing the absence of the prince he foolishly said that he would do anything for this domain. Therefore I found myself in the position to be able to put him to the test. He hates killing. Let alone killing someone who doesn’t deserve it. Which is a perfectly good reason to have him kill a man who sure as hell did not deserve it. I thought that he couldn’t, wouldn’t do it. And as much as I hate do admit this: I was wrong. He did. For some reason that made him give his rosary to me last night. Says I should hold on to it for a while. He knows I will test him again. Yet he thanked me for the whole thing. What the hell, dude. I said I’d be doing my job, so I do my job. Where’s the surprise in that? Sometimes I don’t get people at all.

After that thing happened upstairs I had a chance to talk to Jason again. I asked him what he’d do for this domain. And he gave the exact same answer as Jean did. Sadly I was fresh out of ghouls. However, of him I already knew that he’d kill for the greater good. That comes easy to him. So I asked him whether he would betray me, if it were necessary. When I checked on him he was – confused. Amused. Later only the confusion remained. Hell, I don’t even know what I expected to find in his aura. Thinking of it now I’m certain that I wouldn’t have liked anything that I could have seen. I won’t like it when he betrays me. I won’t like him feeling questioned. I won’t like him feeling insecure. I won’t even like if he really meant what he said – that he can’t conceive of any situation where it would be necessary of betraying me. I put him in a no win situation. And I feel more sorry about doing that than I do over killing some kid I picked up on the street.

The fact remains though: We can’t afford playing nice any longer. So quit playing games, people. From now on, I will start removing every single piece that puts itself in my way to fulfill my promise. As my track records go I’d caution people. But I already know that they won’t listen to sound advice. There’s no point in warning them then.

“I have no intention whatsoever of meeting that girl.” Seinen Unwillen nur noch weiter demonstrierend warf sich Nathaniel auf das Ledersofa und sah seine Mutter denkbar ungehalten an.
Sie reagierte wie die meisten Mütter: mit einem milden Lächeln, das unmissverständlich klar machte wie wenig Wahl man am Ende haben würde. Und das man das sicher sehr bald einsehen würde, nicht wahr? “I am very sure that, in time, you will grow to like her, Nathaniel.”
“Mom. Dorothea.” Er sah seine Mutter mit einem herablassenden Blick an. “To name your daughter that should be considered torture.”
“She is a very pleasant company.”
Nathaniel schnaubte. “I bet. Pedigree works all in her favor. And I’d be lucky if she can count to ten.”
Seine Mutter sah ihn strafend an.
“… Fine. Twenty.”
Der Blick wurde keinen Deut freundlicher.
“… Does it have to be my birthday? Can’t she come over some other time?”
Nun doch wieder etwas lächelnd trat die Frau an ihren Sohn heran und strich ihm über sein Haar. “It is the perfect Occasion, Nathaniel. Try to be nice. Her parents do consider her your fiancée after all. And your father and I have agreed.”