I have to come to terms with what I saw and what I think I saw. I have to get this out of my head, so I can start thinking properly again.

The new guy, Dörr, is trying to restore his former good reputation. He thinks he’s smart. He may be, partially. But whoever says my ego is big should have another glimpse at this man. While he busies himself being all modest I’m not buying it.

Jason still is a wreck. I wish there would be something I could do for him. But part of the process really is giving it some time. Allow the mind to cope properly. If only it weren’t so hard to watch… Standing by, being able to do jack shit about a guy who’s really struggling hard. I guess one way to look at it is by thinking that if he’s worth the blood in his veins he will come around. On the other hand, this is Jason we’re talking about. So not being able to help him pisses me off all the more. Perhaps dancing helped. Perhaps it didn’t. Maybe it just made him remember a few things. If so, enough has been accomplished.

I’m trying hard to stay in touch with Mascha. But it’s hard to write anything that wouldn’t push her away further. I actually think that there os nothing anyone can write that won’t do that. Given a few weeks though she might see those words for what they are. At least I sincerely hope so…

Jean is probably really pissed at me on some level. He’s not letting any of that on, of course. But I talked him into burning all of those old letters to his sister… While he may not be angry now a time when he will be is bound to come. Sure, he will get over it. But with a Brujah his age that is going to be a rough ride. He knows that I meant well. Probably also knows that I was right in suggesting it. Yet pain is a bitch. One of these nights she might cut him too deeply to bother much about whether or not snapping my neck would be a clever idea.

In the process of trying to help Jason I drew another card for him. Cougar. In another time and age that would have made him smile. Right now I think it only gives him reason to wonder. Hardly enough to hold on to. Nothing worth fighting for. He does his job – which is more than most of the others could and would do in his position right now. But there isn’t much else of him left. Also I used the same opportunity to draw a new card for myself, which is irritating enough: Dolphin. Sickeningly true right now. Since I’m trying to help the souls lost at sea back to shore. Jason, Jean, Mascha – Hope, in a way. Can I do that without being pulled down myself? Even dolphins need to come up for air every once in a while.

What I didn’t talk about to anyone yet is another thing the cards, palm reading and candle told me. Or were trying to tell me. Now I have to watch my back as to avoid a self-fullfilling prophecy. They said, some time soon, I would kill Dee. Ever since I’ve been trying to conjure up scenarios in my head that would actually allow for such a reaction. Only – I can’t think of one. Even if I frenzied enough to actually attack her, Greg would hold me back. He always did. So did she when I was going for his throat. Doesn’t do much for not worrying about both of them though. I can’t recall a moment in my life without Greg. And I’ve known Dee for over a lifetime now. We belong together. Why would I ever want to hurt her? The voices said that I would want to.

So again I must ask this: What happens to the mind when the rules are broken? The candle wasn’t lit.

Deutschland war anders als England. Und das zeigte sich auch an Weihnachten. Kein Umstand, den Nathaniel sonderlich abstoßend fand, immerhin hatte er großes Interesse an lokalen Bräuchen. Es war also nicht schwer gewesen ihn zu überreden über die Weihnachtsfeiertage zu bleiben.
Am 24. Dezember hatte man einen Baum aufgestellt und ihn bis zum Mittag geschmückt. Ab diesem Moment hatte man Dees Mutter kaum noch außerhalb der Küche gesehen, während der Familiengast lange und ausführlich dem Familienvater erklärte, warum Weihnachten eben leider nur eine schöne Geschichte war, keine Realität. Zum allgemeinen Frieden des Abends kannten die Eltern den jungen Mann bereits und machten sich keine Mühe ihm zu widersprechen. Sie hörten sogar äußerst geduldig den Ausführungen zu.
Als die Dämmerung herein brach gingen Dees Vater, Dee selbst und Nathaniel in die Messe. Nicht jedoch ohne vorher auf dem Friedhof zu gehen und dort an den jeweiligen Gräbern diverser Bekannter und Verwandter stehenzubleiben und dort jeweils kurz für ein gebet inne zu halten. Ein Umstand, der doch deutlich an Dees Geduld zu nagen schien.
Von der Messe zurück erwartete die drei Zuhause frisch zubereiteter Karpfen. Der, zugegeben, ein ziemliches Hindernisrennen wegen all der Gräten war. Auch während des Essens wurde ausführlich erklärt, warum der Weihnachtsmann eigentlich längst verglüht sein müsste.
“Sometimes I don’t think you like Christmas all that much, Nate.”, kommentierte Dee dann doch irgendwann ein wenig genervt.
“But I love Christmas!”
Sie grinste ihm entgegen. “Could have fooled me.”