By now the headache is better. Jacques was here. I got some answers. But unlike all the times before no comfort. Not because he didn’t try but because of what I saw. He warned me so often and I never really listened. Yet in the end he’s just as much of a liar as all the rest of us. With him nobody really expects it though. Doesn’t change the facts. So no more letting my guard down. I just Greg the order not to let him in anymore once I have another of those headaches. No opening anymore. Both of us know that might get him killed. Still. It’s important. No weaknesses anymore. He’ll have to earn even the smallest of truths from now on. Maybe I have been too easy on him…

Mascha was here. She must have been in the room too, took a picture and told me to get back to her once I’m in the shape to do so. I’ll try and meet her some time soon. And then there was Jason, who had the smarts to just keep talking. That at least meant some distraction. It’s very confusing to find his report more comforting that anything Jacques had to say while he was here. Only goes to show that I was right with my initial theory.

The thing with Jacques is… I could tell him right now that my gut tells me something is wrong. He would listen, probably not give an opinion and say something along the lines of “if that is the way you feel it is most regretable – but it is the way you feel”. He’s not one to fight for affection or whatever the hell this is. He’d let me go, thinking it was my choice. Knowing that is what hurts the most.

Also… From what I saw in his mind… He’s much less honest than people would think. He relies on half-truths himself. And that makes him a liar just as bad as I am. Only with me people expect it.

For the first time in a very long while I feel… jealous. However, I finally figured out why. Guess it’s the blood. Which means I have to get rid of it. Fast.

And then there’s Dee. Who would have thought that creating progeny could give a man so much trouble. I have to figure out how to put this before Thomas and Jacques. How to avoid that they think this is simply for political gain. Which they don’t really think but have to assume anyway just because they think the clans will. Not that they’re going to know any time soon. Styx would. Gracht would. But the prince put the traditions into our hands. So that means I have every right to create her as my own. And after that? I’d be a fool to bring her to domain gatherings straight away. People would look for her flaws – and they would find them. Dee can’t be perfect straight away. I should wait for more kind times to bring her along.

Yet… How to break it to her? How do you tell someone that you’re about to kill them? Yeah, immortality. Such a sweet little lie. But a lie nonetheless. Plus one that makes you more vulnerable. Besides, she’s no longer going to be able to take care of me during the day. Instead she’ll need someone to do it for her. Greg can’t cover us both. Consider our traveling habits and the whole problem becomes more apparrent.

There’s a good solution to all of this, I’m sure. Right now it’s just somewhat hard to put my finger on it. Blasted headaches…