Auch dieser Eintrag ist handschriftlich verfasst, mit der gleichen, unausgewogenen und überzeichneten Schrift.

I was right with my interpretation of Thomas’ vision. She is back. And I’m all the happier for it. Granted, I don’t like most of the implications. Like: Yes, I’m here, but you’d better keep your eyes open. Just in case. But her presence buys us time. Again. Talk about bad deja vu.

Speaking of deja vu – that’s what I’m having right here. I feel like back in the day when I was traveling through Europe, visiting various monestaries. Fun! Back then. But I’ve seen those decades ago. Besides, the ones in Asia were more fun. In a spiritual kind of way. Anyway. So I’m trying to be a good kid, living the life of a monk without an abbey and spend my time generally doing nothing at all. Gives you time to think. And we all know that I’m not doing enough of that as it is anyway, right? Boooooring. I think I must have carved symbols into about half the wood surrouding this place.

Being the good boyscout that I am I wrote a letter to Steinort, poeticly circumventing an order. Guess there’s worse to be done though. Not sure I’ll get an answer. Not sure about anything anymore concerning them…

A couple of nights back Mascha dropped by. Seeing her was very, very good. Other than Jacques and his ghoul plus the homeless people she’s the only person around I’ve had a chance to talk to. The only one who came by. Well – no, not quite true. I know that Jason is around here somewhere. But I can’t talk to him right now. He’s gone by the time I turn around. Good of him, since it means that – again – he’s following protocoll. Yet… Talking to someone is good. I have too much time to think around here. Plus, Mascha took one of the carvings I made. I wonder if she actually knows how to appreciate it. At least she was kind enough not to turn it down. I’m pretty sure not all of our fellow kindred would have been just as clever as that.

Personally I’m still angry at von Lützow. The man will get off light though. Trade his clean slate for that of Thomas. Getting Thomas off the hook is a good thing. Doesn’t change anything about Lützow though. Next time he comes here I’ll do my best to give him hell.

Strangest thing ever. Our Lady is back – and Thomas comes off much better than Jacques does during that conversation. Seems to me that he’s finally growing up. Please don’t let this be some short-term engagement of his mind. I hope he can stick to it. If so there’s actually something in him I can work with. Keeping my fingers crossed.

One of Jason’s messages actually made it to here. Relationship issues. Wish I couldn’t relate. Sadly, I can. One word leads to another – and out of a sudden the world seems to end, just like that. Most of the time he’s back, dancing the dance he used to be so very good at. Give him a task and he throws himself at it with everything he’s got. Ok, not everything. That wouldn’t be like him. Blindly going into a fight. Either way, watching him is somewhat… comforting. In the strangest sense of the word.

With every night that passes I find it harder not to think about drinking. And not to think of Jacques. Not being able to just come over is limiting and frustrating. The more I stay here the more I have a feeling I’m the only one of us feeling a sense of loss at that. Once more I feel like a toy in the hands of a man who forgot how to be a kid and play. Instead he smiles pleasantly at the return of a woman people would have had him replace. Yes, we cannot pick when such things happen. But that doesn’t mean we have to like it when it does. Next time around I’m not sure whether the words on an elder will be able to stop me. But there won’t be a next time around. I’ll stay true to my word.

All of this just to learn some humility. Being here, however, I feel I have learned nothing, except maybe for yet again putting too much trust into the vision of an old man. I keep trying, keep struggling – and I get nowhere. Nor can I help him. No lesson learned on my part. One can survive without humility. But in this society, one can hardly excell without it. And that is what I need to do. Only… With nobody around to teach me I fear there isn’t much I can do. No word from Steinort concerning this. More time spent waiting. More time spent being useless, being crippled. More time spent carving for the lack of an opportunity to write what should have been said.