A short night. Yet by no means any less odd than the past two weeks.

JB waltzed up to me and handed me a figurine of Senator Palpatine. Collector’s item too! It even has the cane the man leans on. I must say I’m impressed and utterly geeked out. I like, I like.

I gave Hope that little piece of truth I promissed. As far as I can tell it hit straight home. Best part: I didn’t even have to make any of it up. This should make her reconsider whom she’s really loyal to. Then again, she might look upon this as betrayal. Which would be fine too. I for one can’t keep this up. Working my ass off for this to work with the weight of two men pulling me down. This has to stop. Either because it would kill either of us – or because it would drive me insane. As for Hope… I feel somewhat sorry for her. I know how it feels to be let down by him. To feel betrayed to the bone. God, I wish I didn’t have to do this.

Also had some heart to heart with Pearse. I told her why the pick of staff was very crappy. She says she understands. Says she sees why I had to give the orders that I sent out. Says she understands loyalty. Yet I can’t shake the feeling that she’ll rat me out to either Thomas or Jacques. Not that it matters much. I’ve been watching this for way too long as it is. If either of them wants my head for this, then fine. I don’t care anymore. And if she sells me out to the prince? Not much selling to do there. I’ll tell her exactly how I see things. If that gets me killed, fine. Anyway. I also offered for her to check whether I tampered the information I gave her sister, basically inviting her to dominate my mind. Don’t think they’ll take me up on that offer though. Which is good.

Jason is the only person who knows what I’m up to. Of course he’s worried. Told me to wait. But I’ve been waiting for months now. No improvement. If I keep waiting it will get someone killed. And that I can’t do. Not anymore. All I could do for him is give him fair warning to be prepared. He has to get out of this with his head on his shoulders. If that doesn’t succeed, the truth will die with him. Can’t have that happen. Of course he thinks I’m being foolish. And honestly… If I were in his shoes, I’d think the same… Don’t abandon me just yet, brother. I still know what I’m doing. Only, I’m also thinking people are stupid. And their stupidity could get me killed. Don’t let it kill you as well.

Didn’t get to see much of Thomas. Which is good. I would have been with him anyway. He’s being too impulsive. Doesn’t think. And he never gave Jason or me word about what actually happend to Mascha. Sick bastard. Does he think we didn’t notice that she’s fallen way too silent?

I think I figured out a solution that might save the senate and everyone who is currently part of it. I will suggest to the prince to internally put me in command of the senate. Outward appearances could be kept – but I could keep the other two in check, most of the time. If it works – fine. If not – well, then the prince can withdraw my non-official power with a heartbeat. Or once the other two start working properly. Only… I don’t think she will do it. I’m way too young. And the other two might now cooperate, even if she gave the order. They’ll think it’s just my arrogance, yet again… After all I never managed to make them understand. Which, at the end of the day, is my failure. My greatest one.

I think Dee is angry with me. Guess I’ll have to talk to her some time soon. Can’t avoid it any longer. Not that she’ll understand…

Right before I left Jack showed up. Good lord… Where exactly was that man I saw last night for the past couple of months? When he entered the room it was all I could do not to drop to my knees. Had he asked me to, I would have done it. Hell, had he asked me to blow him right then and there I probably would have done that as well. I certainly wanted to. It’s scary, really. Sometimes I catch myself thinking I should have another sip. The gloves are sort of a blessing in disguise. Having to hide my thoughts makes it easer not to bite and drink. Please, please, please be alright…

Party tomorrow. I’m so not looking forward to it. Asked Alessandro to accompany me, in hopes I’ll be less bored that way.

Usually the sound of the door falling shut with a loud bang would have annoyed him. It would have made him yell at her. Would have made him follow her and talk things over.
This time, however, things had been different. He barely heard the sound of the door, barely noticed that she had left the room. The urge to go right after her was gone within the blink of an eye. He had other things to do. Friends to protect. A lover to talk to, trying to not think about all the things he would have liked to do instead of just talk to him.
Part of him missed her. Missed being close to her. Missed the illusion of good sex. Missed the kisses. The kisses were still there, but they had a different taste now. They paled in comparison. And the sex? Well. If he couldn’t touch him, why would he touch her? After all she deserved to be more than being somebody else’s replacement. She deserved all his attention.
Only, he found, there was barely anything left he could give.