First there was this unshakeable feeling of being worn out. Tiredness. No matter how much rest you get, you still feel beaten. Now there’s the hunger. And no matter just how many girls I have, I still feel that nagging sensation in the pit of my stomach, quite unable to sate the hunger.

However, I seem to be getting off easy. Euler is worse off. He’s in pain. Coughing. And not one step closer to being able to lock the damn thing in sufficiently. And now he’s working under pressure.

Thomas was – well… Thomas. Jacques and I confronted him about what he did. Says that he didn’t mean to act that way but that he had no patience left in him. The whole yaddayadda. Said that what he said and did was the best he could do for cooperation. I asked him if that also applied for the past week. He said yes to that as well. Which is basically when I wrote him off, rested my case and left the room. I saw him upstairs after that, if only briefly. He gave me a staredown – which is a pretty strange thing to do with a one-eyed almost blind guy. I can keep that up for hours. No idea what he had intended with that. Can’t seem to care anymore either. So now he’s with Styx. The old man says he’ll give him some time to think. Then talk to him. I don’t expect there’ll be much change in him after that. There will be promises of change. Again. But nothing will really change. I’ve heard the song of “in the future I will listen to you” way too often to still believe in it.

Much to my surprise Jacques rediscovered his guts somewhere. While he had stored them away safe and sound the past couple of months yesterday he surprised me by staking Thomas and sending him straight to the old sewer rat. Well, well. Where have you been all my life, hm? I must say I find that part kind of sexy. However, right now the impression is predominant that this is just a momentary condition. Which is a terrible shame. Feel reminded of a Tudors line I picked up a while ago. But alas, this lion… Not bloody likely. So our best bet is on the lion cub, with which I’m not referring to Jason, for a change.

Jason. Who is remarkably dodgy. I think he can’t put aside the oath he and Thomas swore to one another. Doesn’t matter, really. I’m still going to try and pull him out of the line of fire. And there will be much more firing going on. Don’t think he’ll appreciate it much. Probably thinks I’m being disloyal to Thomas. In some way I guess I am. In another I think it’s the one thing left for me to do to try and save Thomas’ ass. Take him down before somebody else does. Someone who wouldn’t settle with seeing him removed. But aim for a more permanent solution.

The prince was present as well. Held a little speech on how we should cooperate better. How we shouldn’t backstab eachother. In theory she’s right. But when it comes down to it she can’t in all honesty expect me to follow Thomas down the rabbit hole just so he can get us all killed. In reality I have to fight back at some point. I have to protect my own. Protect the domain. Which has been exactly what I was doing. But no. Never give a Toreador his mouth. He would bite. Therefore I guess she can’t do that for fear I’d use my theoretical power for god knows what. Me? I think I’m better than that. Can’t blame people for thinking otherwise though. Disappointing nonetheless. Because it also means that all my work has been in vain, since it goes unnoticed. Also means I’m on a downward spiral, unless I can change reality to fit my plan. Which I will try with everything I got. Even if that means having to trick her into it.

“I know that you want to. I feel your eyes on me. Even without looking.”
“That is because you cannot look, Nathaniel. Your eyes…”
“Beside the point, father.”
“You are barely 15, lad.”
“You are a man of the cloth.”