There are things that I do not understand in these nights of new. However, there are also those I forgot, during the course of time. And while I attributed them to mortal needs I must wonder now whether it was wise to cast them aside for perpetuity.

One can find diversion in multiple places. Sometimes they seem unlikely. Yet ordinarily one would go out and seek this form of distraction. It does never come to you unwanted. Still she did. Still she confuses me through it. And still I have no inkling on what to make of all of this. Am I less of a beast than I had thought? Hardly. I know what I did. I know what I will do. And I know of the things neither of us can stop doing.

And then there is this hunger and need I feel inside me. The one thing I know to keep it in check I hold in my palm right now as I write this. At least it used to be the one thing I know. And now that I have doubts that it is the single one thing I find another option like this? Certainly we are wiser, more prudent beings than that. Certainly it is unwise to rely on another. Nobody can be trusted. Never completely. I cannot trust her. I should not.

Still I feel I must.

No council to seek. None would understand. None could comprehend. This will take time. I wish it had not been her…